Cleatus Ploppie - Mentally Ill or Evil Trading Robot?

Chuck Biscuits - Cobb Times Herald

In what can only be described as a mad frenzy, Fargo Fug Nuts owner Mr. Cleatus Ploppie has completed a mind boggling 9 trades in the first two days of winter meetings. Even players who are used to keeping a suitcase packed just in case are shocked. "Am I still the closer?" asked Kirk White after it was reported that all-star Sarma Inge would be making his third stop in Fargo. "What is our lineup exactly?" asked a fan on the street, "I don't know who is in our outfield, who is on second, who is on first, or who will be on the opening day bobblehead!"

Some attribute the trading frenzy to mental illness on the owners part, which is actually supported by Mr. Cleatus Ploppie himself. " I'm not feeling well. I feel dizzy , light headed and forgetful . I can't remember which players are on my team. I need medical assistance for my condition - Tradingjonesitis," said Ploppie.

Renowned medical expert Gaius Baltar has been brought in to assess Ploppies condition. "Although I think that perhaps he could be cured of his condition, I am not actually positive that he has the mental wherewithal to pull through, nor the drive and determination to succeed in his endeavors. Furthermore I will be testing his blood to see if he is indeed actually human, or some trading robot in flesh form whose sole purpose is to overload the commissioners office," postulated Baltar.

Two things are for certain in Fargo, no player is safe from the trading block, and the Samsonite luggage company must be making a killing.

News Bites

Chuck Biscuits - Cobb Times Herald

New Owner Orientation
The Cobb World new owner orientation retreat was held over the weekend. Commissioner Bing Fasano welcomed new onwers texas_ron, steelforge, pieo, markc122706, mfoster55, EBzer, and zephyrsad to the league. The retreat featured campfire songs, hiking, rules orientation, and team building exercises. The team building exercises had to be suspended however after the Barcelonan Tower Building group activity failed miserably, resulting in various broken limbs. Perhaps the new owners will remember to put enough money into their medical budgets after that incident.

What About Wilkes-Barre?
Wilkes-Barre mayor Thomas Leighton was furious after HBD awarded a franchise to the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area without including Wilkes-Barre in the team's name. "Scranton, Scranton, Scranton! All I hear about since 'the Office' came on the air is Scranton," fumed mayor Leighton, "Just once I want people to know that after Scranton there is a Wilkes-Barre, and that we make up more than half of the metropolitan area!" Scranton Dragons owner steelforge was unavailable for comment, but the Dragons PR manager issued a statement, "The Scranton Dragons welcome all residents of Wilkes-Barre at our games. We do not discriminate against anyone in our viewing area." But most residents of Wilkes-Barre disagree, with the common conception that HBD hates hyphonated cities.

KILL Bill? KILL Em' All? KILL F*** Die?
Residents of Kansas City are thrilled to have their own baseball team, but are left confused about their teams moniker. The Kansas City KILL, owned by pieo, are apparantly ready to bring a lethal brand of hardball to K.C. "What should we kill though?" asked resident Burton Peters, "I am as much for violence as the next man, but I think it should be directed at a specific entity." Local media outlets are having a field day however, drumming up all sorts of promotional events, including KILL Bill movie and hardball doubleheader night, a concert by the Killers, and a demolitions demonstration by the A-Team.

Franchise Flip-Floppers Flee First Cities!

Tito McQueen - Cobb Times Herald

Baseball returned to Vancouver and Philadelphia with franchise relocations. The citizens of Cheyenne and St. Louis were left out in the cold as ftpbuck's Warhawks became the Vancouver Vultures, and phillyfan33's Silver Sluggers turned into the Philadelphia Floppin' Phils. Sources close to the Warhawks/Vultures franchise say the move was made in part to dominate the Canadian market, and that franchise owner ftpbuck is fond of alliteration, which was hard to do with Cheyenne.

Residents of Vancouver are very excited about new franchise mascot, Vincent Von Vulture, who was renowned for his crazy antics with the A ball franchise in Vancouver during the interim between major league teams. Known for jumping tricycles through rings of fire, and hugging little babies without making them cry, Vincent should do a lot to keep attendance up should the baseball Vultures begin to fade over the season.

In Philadephia the fans are ready for a team that will win more than 29 games, the Cobb World mark of futility set by the Philadephia Liberty in season 2. Baseball fan Sal Lovecchio of Philadelphia said, "If they don't win more than 60 games, I'm bringing my potato gun to the game to let the manager know what I think. I'm sick of crap teams in this town!" There is no word yet if a mascot has been recruited for the Floppin' Phils, but prospects are dim as the job posting did not list life or health insurance benefits.

Season 7 Coming Soon!

We are down to one owner needed before we start season 7. After the rollover team previews will start to be rolled out. Trade news, big F.A. signings, and other odd happenings will also be covered.

Where Are They Now - Pascual Padilla

Cortez Mack - Cobb Times Herald

I tracked Cobb World single season stolen base champ Pascual Padilla to see what he was up to after retiring from the game. It took some time, but we eventually found him back in his hometown of Bonao, Dominican Republic.

Q. So how do you like being retired?
A. So far it is great. I enjoy being back home with my friends and family, and the weather is much warmer than in Sioux Falls, Fargo, and Burlington!

Q. But at least there were no hurricanes up north, right?
A. No hurricanes, but you couldn't pay me enough to pay someone to snow-blow my drive again!

Q. Do you think your stolen base record will ever be broken?
A. Never say never, but I think that the answer is no. 113 SB's is a lot. You have to be a risk taker, and I took many risks. Today's players just don't have the guts to put their bodies on the line every time they are on base.

Q. So what are you doing now instead of baseball?
A. I am running a banana stand. I became a huge fan of Arrested Development while I was in the states, and that show inspired me to start my own stand. It is called, "Padilla's Casa la Plantain y Banana!" I am running it with my sons, Carlito and Julio, I think the business opportunity will help them learn to be better men.

Q. So is the stand working out?
A. Oh yes, It is the place to hang out on Friday nights, where we also host salsa dances. Business is rocking, and even if it weren't I am set with the money I made in baseball.

Q. Any plans on coming back to the game to coach?
A. No way!

Q. Any words of wisdom to share with the young players of today?
A. Yes. Play hard, take your vitamins, eat your wheaties, and watch lots of tape of me stealing bases, that is how you do it!

Squidvicious Presents Sid Vicious!

Chuck Biscuits - Cobb Times Herald

The Jackson Pollocks have announced their promotional schedule for season 7, and without a doubt the highlight is Squidvicious Presents Sid Vicious night at Boon Stadium. Retired professional wrestler and master of the powerbomb "Psycho" Sid Vicious will be in the house on opening day to sign autographs, pump the team and fans up, and perhaps teach them a few moves. "I thought that this might be a good way to reach out to our fan base in Mississippi, where pro wrestling remains popular despite all of the steroid scandals," said the Pollocks PR Manager.

As part of the promotion, the first 3000 fans will get a Sid Vicious bobblehead. One lucky fan will also be drawn to compete against Mr. Vicious in a strongman contest during the seventh inning stretch for the chance to win season tickets.

In addition Pitching Coach Rex Simpson was lobbying to get Sid Vicious to teach the staff how to properly execute the powerbomb in the event they get charged while on the mound by opposing hitters. "I would much rather have a Kyle Farnsworth than a Paul Wilson on the mound, if you know what I mean," said Simpson.

The Pollocks PR manager also said that it is a shame that Sex Pistols frontman Sid Vicious was dead, because "he would have performed one heck of a national anthem." In addition to Sid Vicious night, other notable promotions include Polish Sausage night, Abstract Expressionist Pizza and Paint night, and a pre-game Pork Rind professional eating contest.

Fug Nuts Triumph in Seven!

Buster Gunns - Cobb Times Herald

The Fargo Fug Nuts capped a thrilling seven game world series with a close 3-1 victory over the Anaheim Sharks. World Series MVP Corey Green hit a two run homer in the first and the Fug Nuts pitching staff was able to hold on for the win. It was truly a matchup of the two best teams, with 110 win Fargo representing the NL and 112 win Anaheim from the AL. In th end the close series came down to a few clutch hits and some solid bullpen work for the Fug Nuts.

Fug Nuts GM Mr. B.S. Ploppie was ecstatic about winning his first World Series championship, and bringing the trophy back to the NL. "I'll be taking the trophy around to all of the NL cities in an effort to pump up the rest of the NL owners . I want to keep the trophy in the NL. The AL had it for too long, now it's our turn to hold on to it for a while," said mrploppie.

Ever classy Sharks GM brianfurnish congratulated mrploppie on a great series and season, as the two teams were well matched.

The Mayor of Fargo was also thrilled with the victory, saying, "I am excited and thrilled for the Fargo Fug Nuts. They have worked hard all year to achieve their goal, and for that the city of Fargo salutes them." He continued, "I am also extremely glad to have something to associate our great city with other than woodchippers and silly accents."

After being named MVP, Corey Green said, "I'm going to Disneyland!" Fug Nuts GM Ploppie upped the ante by saying that, "After winning the series I'll send my players to any land they want to go. Disneyland, Thailand, Swaziland, McDonalds Playland, I don't care! They earned it!"

A tickertape parade will be held in downtown Fargo on Saturday to celebrate the series victory.

Orber Olivo + Lil' John = MVP?

Tito McQueen - Cobb Times Herald

In a stunning move, Helena slugger Orber Olivo has entered into a collaboration with rapper Lil' John, in what can only be seen as a publicity stunt of monumental proportions. After hitting 73 home runs in season 6, many thought that Olivo was a shoe-in for the MVP, but was surprisingly left off the ballot. Thus it should be no surprise when Olivo announced at a press conference Tuesday that, "For the betterment of me, my team, and the people of Helena, I am going to work with Hip-Hop legend Lil' John to get the word out about my skillz." Indeed with Mr. John's skillz on the mic, and Olivo's skills at the the plate, this should be a match worth listening to.

The terms of the agreement were not immediately announced, although it is speculated that Olivo will play a Lil' John rap at every at-bat, and wear some "crunk" wristbands and Lil' John licensed shades. In return Lil' John will write a crunk anthem to promote Olivo outside of Helena. When asked if he thought it was a good match, Lil' John said, "YEAH!" Whether or not this hit will top the charts remains to be seen.

World Series Update - Fargo Behind the Eight Ball

Chuck Biscuits - Cobb Times Herald

Anaheim came back from a 2-1 deficit to now lead the World Series 3-2. Fargo can only hope that their fantastic road record during the regular season translates to success in the next two games, otherwise it will be yet another year in the National Leagues title drought. Anaheim owner brianfurnish would no doubt love to be the first two time champion in Cobb World, so there is no doubt that the Sharks will be bringing their A-games as they try to clinch at home. In a desperate attempt to get his middle relief to perform Fug Nut GM mrploppie has issued an ultimatum: Perform or get shipped to St. Louis. Of course the pitchers are probably not too concerned as in all likelihood that was their destination next season anyways.

In other news trade rumours are bubbling that Hades Booker, sure fire MVP before he got injured this season, is headed south on I-29 to Sioux Falls in what would surely be a blockbuster deal next spring.

AL Awards - Rookiegate!

Tito McQueen - special to the Cobb Times Herald

The announcement of the AL MVP and Cy Young awards was overshadowed by the controversy in the Rookie of the Year award. Anaheim Shark Alan Peterson was named MVP, and teammate Darryl Adams won the Cy Young, but the real drama was in the Rookie of the Year race, where High Roller Donne Harding easily won the trophy with 21 votes, but with lingering questions about his rookie status.

The following rule is from the MLB rule book determining rookie status: A player shall be considered a rookie unless, during a previous season or seasons, he has (a) exceeded 130 at-bats or 50 innings pitched in the Major Leagues; or (b) accumulated more than 45 days on the active roster of a Major League club or clubs during the period of 25-player limit (excluding time in the military service and time on the disabled list).

The controversy came in when it was discovered that Harding had accumulated 199 ML at-bats in two seasons with Las Vegas. "How could Donne Harding be classified as a rookie with 199 ML ABs before this season?" asked Charlotte Dogs GM The_Kid. Harding was unavailable for comment, referring all questions to his agent. Runner up Luke Henly of the Sharks was clearly miffed. "I am a legitimate rookie, not some two season vet! I deserve the award and will leave a space on my trophy shelf open for it should Harding decide to be the bigger man and put the trophy where it belongs," stated Henly. "Where does it end?" Henly continued, "The next thing you know they will be letting in 30 year olds from Japan who have played pro ball for years win the award."

The AL MVP race was a very close one, and in any other year would have gotten top billing as Peterson won over Kip Zeille of the Chicago Sabercats by a mere 2 votes. Peterson was ecstatic, "This is a great moment for me, my team, and my family. I will cherish this award forever!" The slugger Zeille was disappointed, saying, "I guess chicks only dig the long ball in the NL. Hard to believe I lost out to a two-bit slap hitter. Don't get me wrong, Peterson had a great year, but a slap hitter is still a slap hitter in my book."

In the Cy Young race Adams doubled up runner up Josias Morales of the Sabercats with 16 to 8 votes. Morales conceded that Adams pitched well, but was probably helped out by his teams record. "I pitch very well, win 17 games with a respectable ERA. But if we make the playoffs, I know I am Cy Young," said Morales.

In other awards Boston Heat closer Elvis Kennedy won the Fireman of the Year award, the Anaheim OF swept the Silver Sluggers, and the Silver Sluggers of St. Louis finally won an award when pitcher Marty Leary won a Gold Glove.

World Series Update

The World Series is now tied at one game apiece after the Fargo Fug Nuts clubbed their way to a victory in game two. With the series reset it now travels to Fargo for three.

NL Awards Announced!

--Buster Gunns, special to the Cobb Times Herald

The season 6 awards were annuonced yesterday at head offices of Cobb World Commisioner daubs23. There were some surprises, some close races, and a bit of controversy thrown in for good measure.

Winning the NL MVP for the second time was Louisville Tyson SS Dallas Kline. In addition to picking up his second MVP, Kline also added to his considerably large trophy shelf by picking up a Silver Slugger award and his first Gold Glove at the SS position, to go along with the GG he won last year for 3B. When asked how he felt about his monty haul of awards, Kline had this to say, "Awards mean nothing, all I want is a championship. I would trade all of the bling in my trophy case for a world series ring, you had better believe that!"

Co-Runners up Jose Barrios of Omaha and Vernon Jones of Sioux Falls were vocal in their desire for the MVP. Barrios exclaimed, "All I do is hit homer after homer, drive in run after run. I crush the ball, and crush it every day. I take my Flintstones Vitamins, and all I get is 7 votes?" Corn Cleat catcher Jones was a bit more sympathetic, "Hey man, I had my best season ever, and caught a pretty good game to boot, but Dallas is a real pro, and SS isn't a picnic to play. He deserves the award, but you better look out for next year cause I'll be back!" 4th place finisher Kenny Blair of Syracuse was left in the cold with only 3 votes. "I have got to get out of Syracuse or get a new agent," said Blair, "I am seriously getting killed by the lack of publicity. I bring it just as hard as any of those other guys."

On the mound there was no contest as Louisville Tyson ace David Rosado picked up his first Cy Young award. Getting 21 votes to win over runner up Alex Nunez's 5, Rosado deseverdly claimed the trophy. "Nunez may have gone undefeated, but everyone knows that Rosado is the best," Rosado said, "I have filthy stuff, it is so nasty that you cannot hope to clean it up!" His stats backed up his claim as he led the league in almost every category. Embittered Fug Nut Nunez was not so praising of Rosado, "All I did was go UNDEFEATED, and still everybody wants to put Rosado on a box of Wheaties? What more do I have to do, hit the ball like Kline or Barrios? Perhaps I should start creating a cure for cancer."

In the other awards Fargo Fug Nut closer Kirk White picked up the Rookie of the year in a close race over Tyson 1B Walter Stewart and Corn Cleat SP Glenn Nye. Omaha Slugger closer Sean Hill picked up another Fireman of the Year award, and the gold gloves and silver sluggers went out to all of the usual suspects.

Season 6 World Series

The season 6 world series features a collision of two juggernauts, the #1 seeded Fargo Fug Nuts from the NL North, and the #1 seeded Anaheim Sharks from the AL North. The series promises to be a doozy.

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