Cortez Mack - Cobb Times Herald
Today the Times Herald had the opportunity to sit down with The_Kid, owner of the Charlotte Dogs and new Commissioner of the league. Outspoken about his love for old ladies and his love of baseball, The_Kid pulled no punches in this interview.
Thanks for having me! I need to get through this quickly, as I have to catch-up on season 3 of "The Golden Girls" on DVD. Those women kill me!! Anyway...
Congratulations on being named Commissioner of Cobb World. Now that you are Commissioner how do you plan on balancing your teams needs with the fair and unbiased management of the league?
--I'm going to put Omaha, Anaheim and Jackson in their own league. It'll give others team the opportunity to make the WS someday.
Which of these three is your preferred title, Commissioner, Commish, or Der Kommissar?
Do you think you will be a better Commissioner than daubs23?
--Who? Oh! The previous "Commissioner" - That'll come out at the end of my term. In my memoirs.
Who will make the playoffs first, you or daubs23?
--We'll both make it this year... HA! Got you there! daubs23 and playoffs = philly and playoffs = McCain and Palin. They just don't get it!
Who is more fair and balanced, you in your role as Commissioner, Fox News, or MSNBC?
--Son, we play in a world that has rules and those rules need to be guarded by men with the ability to make tough decisions. Who's gonna do it? You, Cortez Mack? You, Mr. Ploppie? The Commissioner has a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for trade vetoes and curse the Cleveland Steamers; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what The Commissioner knows: that pieo's leadership, while tragic, probably saved his franchise and that The Commissioner's existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, needs to save that franchise. You don't want the know The Commissioner's responsibilities because deep down in places you don't talk about in chat rooms and forums you want The Commissioner in that role, Commissioner in that role. Commissioners use words like “and”, “but” and “for.” Commissioners use them as the backbone of a responsibility to uphold the integrity of the league, you use them as conjunctions. The Commissioner has neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to ploppie whose sister The Commissioner frequently sleeps with and pisses under the blankets of her sofa that she provides, and then questions the positions in which The Commissioner uses them. The Commissioner would rather you just said "thank you," and go on your way to another .500 season. Otherwise, The Commissioner suggests that you have the onions to make a tough decision and make a firm chat post. Either way, The Commissioner doesn't give a damn who you think is more "Fair & Balanced."
What music do you require be played before you make an official address, Hail to the Chief, or something else?
--"The Rose" by Bette Midler or "What's My Name?" by DMX - I'm a bit insulted by the "Hail to the Chief" reference. It makes me seem like The Commissioner is on a power trip. Don't do it, again. Agreed?
How many points does an owner have to accrue before you start proceedings to remove them from the league?
--The point system has yet to be finalized, but some demerits are: losing to FW_Kekionga = -1, sweeping any other team in my division = +3, providing me with a massage = +4. Things like that. Removal from league would require a vote, though. We know that 12 owners are "above voting", that's why I'm setting up a "UN-type" security council of 6 owners to make these decisions.
Who will be the members of this security council, and will there be rotating spots as in the actual UN?
--I'll Probably have 5 of the founding members and 2 rotating members. Rotating members will be nominated/voted upon by the 5 permanent members. I will be Secretary-General in perpetuity, of course.
Would you consider that tactic a sign that you are more despot than commissioner?
--Hey! I just Googled "despot" and I'm insulted.
What is the history behind the Dogs nickname for your Charlotte franchise? Does it refer to the animal, or is it a representation of your teams work ethic?
--I was born in 1970 - The Year of the Dog. Simple as that.
Who has been your favorite player on the Dogs over the years?
Who has been the biggest bust for the Dogs?
--I think ploppie's sister has the biggest bust. Oh for the Dogs, it would be the owner.
Why did you leave the Salem Ducks (now Salem Bitches) after season 2? Was the NL game to much for you to take, or are you one of those crazy people who thinks the DH is a great idea?
--I'm a Red Sox/AL fan - I just can't play with the big boys in the NL. DH is the best thing to happen to baseball since the introduction of chest protectors worn by catchers and umpires came into use starting in 1885.
Confirm or deny: Santa Fe is a deathtrap for all teams who play there.
--I can hardly imagine how Santa Fe is supported. The country around it is barren. To the North stands a snow-capped mountain while the valley in which the town is situated is drab and sandy. The streets are narrow... A Mexican will walk about town all day to sell a bundle of grass worth about a dime. They are the poorest looking people I ever saw. They subsist principally on mutton, onions and red pepper. That's how I feel about Santa Fe.
It is a well known fact that you are a great enthusiast of coach hiring. What our readers would like to know is, what happened in your childhood to turn you into such a coach hiring fiend?
--First off, I don't remember much of my childhood. It's mostly because as a dodgeball player, I wasn't picked until last by the coaches. Now, it's MY TURN TO PICK THE FRICKIN' COACHES. Bitter? I guess so....
Also, what was the best coach hiring moment in your career?
--Kordell Burnett, ML Bench Coach Season #5 through #10. Paid him $6.3 in Season 8, more than KC Kill's payroll that season.
What was your worst coach hiring moment?
--See above answer.
Many people were upset at the waiving of IF Jim Green in season 9. Other than the trade deadline being passed, what other motivations did you have in that action?
--Main reasons behind it was this whole "Let's Save The Environment" kick the kids are into nowadays. We all know global warming isn't caused by humans. I found it necessary to rid myself of any "Green" players.
With your newfound salary cap space from the Jim Green maneuver, what do you plan to do?
--Salary space? That money is going towards coach hiring, baby!
Best polka, Who stole the Kishka, Too Fat Polka, or In Heaven There is no Beer?
-- Again, had to Google it. I'd have to say the "Beer Barrel Polka"
Who is the ugliest player in the Dogs franchise?
--Andre Loretta, AAA
Who would you name, "Mr. Dog?" for his being the embodiment of your team?
--Nicholas Stinnett, my first draft pick and he's still with me. Loyalty. Google it, if you don't know about it.
Speaking of dogs, what is your favorite breed?
--First of all, let me state I am not gay. (Not that there is anything wrong with that) I currently have two Bichon Friese. Jake & Lola, brother and sister. http://picasaweb.google.com/bdoane/JakeLola#
And is that the breed of Charlotte's mascot?
--Pitbulls - I have to pay royalties to alogman1 for that one! That was quite a court battle. I currently replace our mascot every time he loses at "Michael Vick's Friday Night Fights"
And what do you think of Duane "Dog" Chapman the bounty hunter?
--Do you mean the former gang member with 18 prior convictions for armed robbery and was sentenced to a five year prison term in 1977 after being convicted of the first degree murder? If so, he's in the 17th minute of his usual allotment of 15 minutes of fame.
How do the Dogs compete with NASCAR in the Charlotte media environment?
--The Dogs ownership believes NASCAR is a ghetto sport. The Charlotte Observer? Who gives a crap about them? We haven't received coverage from them. EVER. Not even with the 81-81 record in Season #7.
What trade was your best and which would you like to have back?
--Ariel Cervantes, Todd Evert, Ryan Pennington for Jamie Beimel was my worst trade. Best trade? Not applicable.
If you could cherry pick any Cobb pitcher other than Dean Hernandez or Kazuhiro Ong to put on your team, who would it be and why?
--Davey Silva, Wankers. 79-12 and 8 for 8 in saves over his career! I wish I could give Lightman credit, but this kid was signed by a guy named "cabbagehead" - Have I mentioned he's only 24 and is 5 yrs from Free Agency?
If you were ranking franchises in the history of Cobb World, who would be #1, and where would the Dogs wind up in those rankings?
--Dead heat for Anaheim and Omaha for #1. Dogs would rank right where I was ranked. Also, if I were ranking franchises on the blog, I'd do it quicker. Blogmaster probably is still painting the garage, though....
What is your favorite book and why?
--"Alice in Wonderland" (really! a great book.) or "Lord of the Flies" (In the absence of leadership, people will follow the person speaks loudest.) Currently reading "The War Within" by Bob Woodward.
Match four Cobb World owners with their drinks of choice, other than alogman1 and Old Style, which is already well known.
--ploppie - Ensure, philly - warm milk in a sippy cup, yanks21 - victory champagne and the__kid - drink whatever the hot chick at the bar buys him....
Who is a better prognosticator of the future, Nostradamus, Miss Cleo, Edgar Cayce, or Lars the Greek?
--Again, had to Google Cayce! That cat is off-the-wall, but probably more accurate than Lars, since he picked the Dogs to first 1st last season.
What is your prediction for the Dogs in season 10?
--Well, the Dogs are going though an indentify crisis. Veterans or the young guys? Who knows? The AL South will be the most competitive division once again.