Cortez Mack - Cobb Times Herald
After a season of boycotting the media, Chicago Sabercats owner and Cobb League Commissioner daubs23 finally graced the Times Herald with an interview. An original owner in Cobb World, daubs23 was installed as the commissioner after metsmaniac2 ditched the league in dubious fashion. His Sabercats have never made the playoffs, but have arguably the most personality of any team in the league. Here is what he had to say:
daubs23, the Sabercats of Chicago are known for being a surly bunch, to what do we attribute their bad attitudes?
--Who says we have bad attitudes? Just because we refuse to talk to the media, it doesn't mean we don't have bad attitudes. The strippers that are here for the pre-and-post game spreads all seem to enjoy our company!
Of the Sabercats, who is the baddest dude in the clubhouse, the enforcer of locker room law, if you will?
--Kip Zeile. He obviously keeps everyone in place--or at least tries to. There was this rookie once who tried to talk back to him and he ended up getting sent down to Rookie Ball.
Will the Sabercats ever rise above 2nd place? Or are they destined to be lovable losers like some other Chicago teams we know and adore?
--Hey--any team can have a bad century! I mean...wait...any team can have a bad 7 years! If only we ever actually had Scouts to do any of our Scouting instead of those damn chimps....
As commish of the league, are there any reforms you would like to see introduced into the Cobb World of HBD? Name specifics if you can.
--I think there should be a cap on trades during the course of the season--it would level the playing field. I also believe the commish should get a sandwich pick every year to help his team make the playoffs.
Would you like to be known as a kind hearted commissioner, or the kind of commish who makes his subjects wallow in fear?
--I'm a kind hearted commissioner--as much as I would like everyone to fear me, it might make it harder to recruit other owners.
What are your thoughts about Fabrica del Beisbol del Diablos? Good products for fans, or bad times for players?
--Good for the fans--it really keeps the game interesting. Although, I don't think I've ever signed anyone from the Fabrica del Beisbol del Diablos. On 2nd thought, we should get rid of it until I sign someone!
As an original owner, you have managed the same team for eight full seasons now. Are there any trades you are proud of, and which one would you like back?
--I regret a little bit of trading Kory Arnold who may win Rookie of the Year this year. But since he was behind Zeile, I needed to move him. There are others like Moreno for Jed Maddux that don't look good now. Trading Richard Aoki wasn't my best moment.
I did like my trade of Morales back to mrploppie and I received Raymond Adams who should win Rookie of the Year this year!
Are there any of your original players from season 1 still stepping on to the field for the Sabercats today?
--Russell Stark and Ernest O'Malley have been with me since Day 1. Kip Zeile was in AAA in the first season. And that's about it.
What are your thought's about Kip Zeile's automobile collection?
--Have you seen some of those cars? That collection is UNBELIEVABLE!!! I wish I had cars like that when I was younger--imagine the chicks I could pick up with those!
There are rumours throughout the league that Zeile has some rage problems. Is this true, or is it hogwash?
--I'm not saying it's true, but I really wouldn't bring it up to him if I were you. *points to my nose*
What is the official soft drink of the Chicago Sabercats?
--Pepsi-Cola...and Jolt for all the solo home runs we hit!
Do you wish you could play in a ballpark other than the Cell? Old Comisky perhaps, or are you a Wrigley guy?
--See--this is why I've been boycotting the media for the past year! HELLO!!! Just because I play in the AL, doesn't mean I play at the Cell. Look--it says WRIGLEY FIELD. You dumb writers can't get anything right! Forget this--THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!
*Comes back 10 minutes later* My agent said it's probably a better idea to finish this interview and my apologies for the rant. He also says "Next Question."
If you could appropriate any pitcher and hitter from any other team in the league, who would they be? And do you think they would get along with Zeile in the clubhouse?
--For a pitcher, I'd love to see Kazuhiro Ong on the Sabercats. Might make my pitching staff actually look good. I think Hades Booker would also look good in a Sabercat uniform. Getting along with Kip is another question...he has a thing against African-American players and Orientals...
Any minor leaguers that you are really looking forward to seeing make the leap to the pro team?
--Ummm...as a fellow owner once said, there are no minor leaguers in my system that are worth having. I'm interested in seeing Pedro Sardinha at the ML level since he's been excellent at every other level he's tried.
The question almost everyone wants an answer to regarding the Sabercats is, why on Earth did you trade for Lefty Groom?
--Ok, here's the confession. When I thought about making that trade, I was high as a kite--or drunk--or both. So, when I put the package together and got those two other pitchers (Kraemer and Bush), I thought I'd get another pitcher in the deal. I needed a Left-handed RP and thought Lefty would be a good fit to resurrect his career. After Lefty came to the team, did I actually realize a guy named Lefty threw Right-handed.
If daubs23 had official theme music, what would it be?
--Being a fan of AC/DC and Metallica, I would have to say it would either be Hells Bells, Thunderstruck, or One. But, it can't be Thunderstruck because the White Sox play it, so we'll go with Hells Bells since it's on my cell phone.
Who's your pick to win the World Series this year?
--WAIT--we play a World Series in our League? Who would have thunk that? I'm rooting for geltz because if he wins, he might take it easy on me and I might actually sniff the playoffs next season! (Editors Note - This interview was recorded prior to the Divisional Championship Series)