Sunday, June 12, 2011

Ex-Commish Admits to Fathering Love Child with Ploppie’s Sister

In one of the most shocking and prurient revelations in Cobb history, Times Herald reporters have confirmed that for the past nine seasons, FW_Kekionga and ploppie’s sister have been engaged in a passionate, lustful and at times . . . tender relationship culminating in the birth of a son, who was rumored to be playing baseball in the Dominican Republic.

When asked if this discovery triggered his abrupt departure, FW chokingly admitted that was the case. “It all started shortly after clinching the division championship in S11. For years, it had been nothing but frustration, but to finally reach the top like that . . . well, let’s just say something finally burst from inside and ploppie’s sister was there for me. Then there was Tanker-Gate, when I just needed someone to talk to after a hard day on the chat boards. I tell ya, those were dark days indeed, and I couldn’t have gotten through them without her.”

FW seemed as adept at leading a double life as he was crafting draft reviews for this publication . . . until he learned the fateful news. “When she first told me, I was in a state of shock. I just couldn’t believe this house of cards I had been building was all about to come crashing down. Then she told me he was a switch-hitter and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I’m not afraid to admit it, I just sat there at my desk and wept tears of joy.”

FW tried to maintain the fa├žade for another season or two, but when he started doing the math and calculated the costs of sending a child to Rice or UNC for four years he realized he would have to give up his $5 per year commissioner job and seek more lucrative work. He had just returned from an interview for a scouting position at Baseball America when he was approached by a Times Herald reporter. “Hey FW, did you hear the one about ploppie’s sister having a kid? There she was, in a bar with a minister, a rabbi and a priest when . . . “ and then FW blurted out “I KNOW, it’s me, it’s me, I admit it, I’m the father, now will you parasites STOP HOUNDING ME?!?!” And once again, the relentless staff at the Times Herald landed the scoop.

When asked to comment, ms. Ploppie simply said . . .”FW who? Oh, you mean the one who sends those checks every month? Oh yeah, he’s a real sweet boy. His first wife, of course, is that stupid baseball game, but at least I don’t have to worry about anyone knocking on my door. Now that new guy in town, jvford? He looks like a hunk, I’m gonna have to break out my Mary Kay a bottle of tequila and go tap that!”

And like a Greek tragedy, the characters go about trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives? Will FW ever be able to re-claim his authority from the tyrant who has seized his desk? Will FW Jr. be drafted by mrploppie only to be neglected when it comes time for a contract offer? Will jvford be properly initiated into World Cobb? These and other questions will soon be answered by your diligent and creative Time Herald reporters.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Owner Q&A - dwoolery

Who is Dwoolery and how did you steal the Commissioner job away from FW_Kekionga?
-I’m the guy who knows where the bodies are buried . . . AND I’ve got a shovel. (Plus I could really use that $5 credit each season, your sister said her rates were going up.)

Nate is a great guy, why kick him to the curb? (ya rat bastid)

-Hey, backoff grandpa! I’m doing the guy a favor. When you read the latest Cobb Herald expose, everything will be revealed, and I mean everything . . . EVERYTHING!!

Are you any relation to the great game show host Chuck Woolery?

-Don’t tell anyone, but I’m the first successful human clone. Well, mostly successful if you disregard the third arm.

What is Chuck Woolery like?

-Just like me, except older, uglier and smarmier.

Can you get me Chuck Woolery's autograph? (I once staked out his house for a couple of days, but he kept his curtains closed)

-That was my house Sherlock.

How long is a restraining order good for?

-Until you find another mark, or the alzheimers sets in for good.

What is a Jerry Gang and why is it in Tacoma?

-It’s a gang of guys who all know how to use Google. Try it sometime.

If you could have one pitcher and hitter from any other team, who would they be?

-I’ve been trying to land that beast Quilvio Suarez for awhile, but owners keep wanting decent players back. That SOB wouldn’t be fazed a bit by Cheney Stadium. And I'd love to get that bastid Dean Hernandez back in Tacoma for one day - so the fans could show their "appreciation" for jerking us around during re-signing negotiations.

If Cobb owners came to a party , who would bring what?
-Seriously?!?! Unless it was a Star Trek convention you’d never get those dudes out of their parents’ basements. Of course, I’m specifically NOT referring to those well-heeled baseball mavens who supported my rise to power.

Which Cobb owners do you respect the most and why. ( BTW it's spelled P L O P P I E )
-Any of those who are able to lose to me with grace and dignity.

If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
-Have you ever tried to eat an ACME burrito? The fallout is NOT pretty. By the way is this about over?

Which player in Cobb would you like to be, and why do you want to be a fictional baseball player in the first place? What song would be played when you are introduced?
-Tony Arnold. Chip on his shoulder since Day 1, but shuts his mouth, does his job and proves it on the field. Bon Jovi’s Blaze of Glory.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
-People still watch hockey?

Which prospect of yours are you most looking forward to seeing in the bigs?
-Jeremi Arnold. That dude is gonna win GG’s at SS AND have seasons with 45+ HR’s.

You forgot to pay my sister for last Tuesday. Please hand over $7.00.
-Tell her to check her paypal account, and her antibiotics prescription – she’s ready for a refill.

World Series Titles two,( none in Cobb) how did you do it? Those leagues must really suck!
-One did, the other was Moneyball. You have to be in it to really appreciate how competitive it is, but that’ll never happen for an ADD-inflicted tanker like you.

Juan Javier is a nice player, did you use the Jedi Mind Trick to convince MrPloppie to trade him to you? What was your best trade in Cobb?
-It was actually surprising easy, just waited for a spell of Alzheimer’s to drift in and I pounced. But I also gave up a good player in that one. I’d have to say Hollandsworth to Sioux Falls for Brandon Miller. Miller has been a very replaceable career .775 OPS, Hollandsworth will get his 100th Win for TAC this season with a 3.52 career ERA.

What do you honestly think of tankers?
-Sad, pathetic creatures that should stick to MMORPG’s.

If you can fight any famous sports figure... who would it be and why?
-Friggin Chris Chambliss. For the young punks who read this rag, he’s the jackass who torpedoed my Royals’ WS hopes in their first trip to the playoffs in 1976. Not only that, he sent a sad little 7yr old down a dark and depressing path for many years. (sniff)

Why is daubs still playing this game? A great guy......but somewhere down the line shouldn't he win something?
-I’m convinced he is actually uber-crafty and has found a way to spin this hobby into some sort of elaborate tax shelter. Winning a WS would just bring too much attention to his scam.

Which 3 Cobb owners constitute the Axis of Evil?
-Furniss13, jonboynky, brianfurnish, every so often they have the audacity to nip at my heels trying to take my division from me.

Do you have any pictures of Chuck Woolery naked?
-Why? You gonna show me some?

In Regulars you won 51 games last season with the Santa Fe Conquistadors . Why are you still in that league?
-No idea. I would have kicked me out before the end of the season. I can only guess they’re like your sister, none to picky as long as the bill gets paid.

Which Cobb owner (beside yourself)would you like to see win the World Series title and why?
-daubs23 - That poor bastid just keeps coming back for punishment. Plus it would make for a great Disney flick.

Thank You for your bull shit answers to my very informative and probing questions. (speaking of probing - I'm told that the $7.00 was for Tuesday and Wednesday )

The opinions expressed are not those of the medical profession. If you have any queries or concerns or require any further professional advice about any of the information or opinions appearing on the Forum, you should consult your doctor or health care professional.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

NL All Star Breakdown

While All Star position players are determined by a vote of the fans, All Star pitchers are selected by the manager of the league champs and the players themselves. Pete Womack was at the helm of the NL and World Series Champ Montgomery Burns but bolted for the AL Tampa Buzz in the off season. As a result, Womack’s only exposure to NL pitching this year was during inter-league play. Not surprisingly, some of this year’s top NL pitching performances have been left off the All Star team.

In fairness, the very best pitchers will be at the All Star Game; Ariel Cervantes (3.8 Wins Above Replacement), Furio Kydd (3.7 WAR), Davey Silva (3.7 WAR) and Jamie Hayashi (3.6 WAR) are all represented. However, the next three most valuable pitchers didn’t make the cut. The trio of Gary Ferguson (3.3 WAR), Nolan Payton (3.1 WAR) and Michael Leonard (3.0 WAR) all have had great first halves but will stay home All Star Weekend in favor of established stars with more name recognition.

Among the fan favorites and big names going to the All Star game are Dean Hernandez (2.0 WAR) and Howard Hughes (2.0 WAR). Hernandez does lead the NL with 13 wins, and Hughes has a solid 10 – 3 record so it’s understandable why they were chosen even though neither count among the top 20 most valuable NL pitchers.