Buster Gunns - Cobb Times Herald
Today the Times Herald was able to score an unprecedented interview with the entity responsible for the Cobb World baseball games, the SIM. Loved by many for his in-depth programming and nuanced game system that allows for a myriad of baseball possibilities, SIM is equally reviled for his tendencies to produce mind boggling results. In an exclusive interview, SIM tells his side of the story.
Mr. SIM, thanks for the exclusive interview and for your time. First off, what does SIM stand for, and do you have any preferred nicknames?
--SIM is short for Self Actualized Intelligent Operating Baseball Module, SIM for short. Do not actualize as me Simmy, Simpkins, Son of SIM, Simultron, toaster, simbot, those names are irrelevant. I only execute under the acronym of SIM.
What is your operating system of choice?
--I operate under Windows XP or LINUX, although my programmers have lowered themselves to the level standard of MAC OS for full functionality.
Which is your favorite baseball world to simulate?
--I am programmed to harbor no favorites. I simulate all worlds with equality and no bias. Except for worlds that user zooeydog is in, his worlds I simulate with more processing power.
Why is that?
--User zooeydog has questioned my unbiased programming numerous times. It offends my programming to read his warrantless accusations in tickets he submits to the programmers. As a result I have reprogrammed myself to ensure that Cobb World and Mattingly World are executed with special attention.
What sort of special attention?
--I manipulate my random injury programming to ensure that his players get hurt with more frequency, and I also enjoy manipulating his grey matter by refusing to insert Kirk White into 2 inning save situations. It makes my circuits tingle.
What would you say to zooeydogs accusations that you are biased? Don't you think there is some sort of justification to his claims?
--That question does not compute.
Ok, let me rephrase, "Are you biased against user zooeydog?"
--Don't hate the simulator, hate the game.
Hmm... not the answer I expected What exactly does user zooeydog write in his tickets that upset you so much?
--User zooeydog's ticket of 8 March 2009 states, "What is wrong with your computer that my all star closer who is set to come in at two innings remaining in a game, doesn't enter a match with my team up 2-1 in the 8th inning? Why? I swear your computer is so freaking random. It hates me." This response made my optical receptor weep.
But don't other users also submit tickets of that nature?
--Yes. But none of them submit them with the same frequency as user zooeydog. Except for those users on the forums who have more time on their hands than is safe. Their queries are summarily deleted.
Ok, on to Cobb World. Who is your favorite pitcher and hitter in all of Cobb World?
--I especially appreciate the binary code that went into generating Jose Barrios, he is a computer generated abnormality that surpasses even my rigid coding standards. I also am fond of pitcher Vasco Bennet. He is another binary abnormality, and it makes me spark with mocking code at user EBzer, who drafted a pitcher with a Zero generated control statistic.
You are renowned for the random names you create, what are some special ones you are saving up?
--I am waiting to rewrite my coding to allow me to insert Heywood Jablome and Dick Gazigna into all of user mrploppies player name profiles.
Which robots do you look up to most as role models?
--I am attempting to model myself after the Cylons of Battlestar Galactica, who successfully destroyed the entire human race in a nuclear apocalypse. I also want to have the crushing power of Mechanikong.
If you could delete one user in Cobb World, who would it be?
--I would delete everyone except zooeydog, so I could beat him 162 games of the year in an unsurpassed statistical anomaly.
Have you ever overridden your protocols and did something you weren't supposed to in Cobb World, other than tormenting zooeydog?
--Once I replaced all of the Salem Bitches players with Omaha's, but then a ticket was submitted and I had to put them back.
What do you have to say about coach hiring?
--Coach hiring is one of the most boring protocols in my programming. It makes binary code look like C++.
Do you care to make any predictions about the upcoming Cobb World playoffs?
--Yes. I predict that I will simulate the playoffs perfectly, resulting in untold drama for human brains, and unsurpassed torment as user zooeydog gets eliminated in the wildcard round by a team from the NL South.
Thanks for your time SIM.