Cortez Mack - Cobb Times Herald
In today's Owner Q&A I tracked down elderboy02, the owner of the Toledo Tsunamis. Toledo has been known by many as the true mistake on the lake, and their near perfect record of last place finishes supports that statement. Still, elderboy02 soldiers on in the face of stagnant crowds, depressed players and coaches, and the grim reality of having Toledo as your home city all for the chance and glimmer of hope that someday he will reign supreme in the NL North. Here's what he had to say.
Many people remember the great franchise of the Toledo Cincinnati Flying Pigs. How did you come to decide on Toledo over the Queen city, and how did the people of Toledo react to having their neighbor to the south mentioned in their team name?
-- Well, it was a newbie mistake. I thought you could pick any city you wanted. I had to drop the Cincinnati part of the name because the Toledo mayor threatened to sue Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory. Mark Mallory is the moron who couldn't throw out the 1st pitch on opening day and is a pansy, so Mallory caved and decided to let Toldeo be the home of the Flying Pigs/Tsunamis.
What made you decide on the Tsunamis as your franchises nickname? Lake Erie isn't exactly known for it's tropical storms.
-- Well, you see, when owner elderboy02 decided to start the team in Toledo, the citizens of Toledo were so mad that the force of them banging their heads against the wall created a tsunami on Lake Erie. True story.
Who is the greatest player to ever don the Tsunami jersey?
-- The greatest player ever has to be Andres Liriano. He was signed to a $10 million deal after he said he didn't want to be traded.
And who is the worst?
-- Osvaldo Rodriguez. Some jerk owner before me signed him to a long-term deal even though his ratings significantly dropped. You know you suck when your ratings are lower than your age.
Now that you have dealt Ron Reilly, who is the Toledo minor leaguer you most look forward to seeing in the bigs?
-- Napoleon Scott. He makes left handed pitchers white uniform pants turn brown.
Is it true that in addition to Cincy envy, Toledo suffers from Detroit envy?
-- No, Detroit is the hometown of Eminem.
If you could cherry pick any pitcher and hitter from any franchise in Cobb World, who would they be and why?
-- I would like to get Orber Olivo of the Helena Hellraisers. I would like him because all I care about is the longball.
Is there a player/team/coach who is the Tsunamis nemesis?
-- cosmicblob of the Helena Hellraisers. Every day he reminds me of how crappy my team is. It is true, but sometimes it is that time of the month and I get cramps, bloating, and hot flashes and it hurts my feelings. Sometimes I have to go home and kick the dog.
You play at Fifth Third Field. What happened to the first, second, third, and fourth third fields? -- They were all cleared out to make room for the Tsunami's psychologist building. Each player gets 2 hours of therapy after each game b/c the players get extremely depressed. Prozac is a very popular drug in Toedo. It has replaced crack as the most popular drug.
What's the best ballpark food at Fifth Third Field?
-- It is called The Big Stinky. It was named after our team. It is a hot dog covered with onions and sauerkraut.
Do you ever foresee a time when Toledo eclipses 80 wins?
-- Yes..... Give me a season or two.
Are you angry that in season 5 you ruined the franchises perfect mark of 4th place finishes?
-- Yes. My franchise likes attention. Nobody reads the middle of the standings. I get a special prize at the end of each year for finishing in last. Kind of like when you entered the art show at your grade school and everyone got an Honorable Mention ribbon no matter how bad you sucked.
What level of hell is reserved for illinidave?
-- He will be right up there with Sadaam Hussein for signing Osvaldo Rodriguez.
The Tsunamis have made a fair amount of trades over the years. What's your best, and which one would you like to have back?
-- I don't remember taking part in any trades. mrploppie sent a hypnotist over to my house and convinced me that I never made any trades.
Do you think that anyone in the NL North will ever overtake mrploppie for first place? If so, when?
-- No, mrploppie is like Tiger Woods. No one has a chance to beat him.
If you could import any player from your Cobbfather team, who would it be?
-- Bill Klaus. He reminds me of Santa.
Who is the most overpaid guy in your minor leagues?
-- Emmanuel Page. I don't know what moron signed that guy to a long term contract. He isn't even on the active roster.
Who is the ugliest player in the Toledo organization?
-- Tim Kubinski. He reminds me of a zombie.
Were the fans in Toledo upset with the trade of Andres "Big Bucks" Liriano?
-- Yes. He made more than any CEO in Toledo. He was like Bill Gates.
If the Toledo team has theme music, what is it?
-- Another Season Bites The Dust. It is based off of Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust"
How many games until the annual fire sale in Toledo?
-- I am going to say 24, because Jeff Gordon is my favorite Nascar Driver.
If you could hand deliver a fish slap to any owner in the league, who would it be and why?
-- brianfurnish because his pitching is so good.
Are there any superfans in Toledo, and if so what are they called?
-- The Green Nutz. They paint their nether regions green.
Is there a Tsunami mascot? What's he known for?
-- He is a tidal wave. He comes around with a fire hose and hoses down the crowd.
Which 70's movie hero would be best to whip your team into shape, Shaft, Dirty Harry, Black Belt Jones, Bruce Lee, or someone else?
-- Dirty Harry. I am a gun guy, and when the players see my guns and Dirty Harry's guns, they will get the idea that their play better improve or they get a shot in the buttocks.