Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Tsunami Spring Blowout Sale!

Buster Gunns - Cobb Times Herald

The annual Spring Blowout Sale in Toledo has started once again, and the Tsunamis are making dumpster divers across the states proud with their budget busting tactics. Tsunami PR Director Zeke Blauveldt kicked off the annual event with a bang by holding a press conference only 45 games into the season announcing that players could be had for pennies on the dollar. "Everything must go," exclaimed Blauveldt, "Lirianos for pesos, Marins for pennies, and Liras for lira, we aren't holding anything back!" Indeed the list of items and players for sale or trade included everybody from star off season acquisition Andres Liriano to Tom Emanski and his fielding videos.

"No credit, no problem!" read a sign outside the Toledo GM's office, as the Tsunami front office was trying every tactic to make a successful spring sale. Several potential buyers were lined up outside the Toledo offices before dawn waiting to talk to Tsunami GM elderboy02, including division rival GM Cleatus Ploppie. "I'm hoping to get my Christmas shopping done early," said Ploppie, "and there are always bargains to be had at the dollar store here in Toledo. You can't beat a good blowout sale, maybe I'll also find some discount diapers on the cheap!"

The only thing off limits in the sale is star pitching prospect Ron Reilly, who has been labeled untouchable by the Toledo management. "That's ok," said Helena Hellraiser GM cosmicblob, "I'll pick him up after bankruptcy court liquidates Toledo's assets."

In an attempt to keep fan morale up after throwing in the towel early again, the Tsunamis are offering a special discount for season ticket holders during the sale. If any ticket holder makes a purchase, he gets 4 free seats at the game of his choice, and gets to become a member of the Tsunami "Hurricane Club," located in the south concourse of Fifth Third Field. This incredible offer still hasn't made all of the fans happy, as was evidenced by the negative reactions of many Toledo supporters. "I wouldn't spend two bits on any of the items in this trash heap," said Toledo fan and veteran garage saler Velma Wiggins, "I've found better baseball players at the I-80 Flea Market!" Toledo had better hope for a better reaction from league GM's if their sale is to be a success.