Monday, April 28, 2008

Foul Play Suspected in Jim Green Injury

Chuck Biscuits - Cobb Times Herald

Jim Green
Fug Nuts
Age: 28B/T: R/R
Born: Las Cruces, NM
Position(s): 2B/CIF/OF/DH
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There was much confusion today in Fargo as the Fug Nuts announced that their star 2B Jim Green was out for the season with a shoulder injury. The injury, which will require season ending surgery, occurred after a game with the Durham Pitbulls. Fug Nut officials couldn't identify a reason why Green, known for his extreme health regimen and workout schedule, would succumb to such a horrific injury.

A source close to the Fug Nuts suspected something out of the ordinary, saying, "It is odd how a player with his health acumen would mysteriously get injured overnight, when nothing seemed wrong with him during the game. I don't know what happened, but I think the Corn Cleats are behind it." Following up on this tip, a source close to the Corn Cleats organization mentioned voodoo rituals and the contracting of a certain Miss Cleo to perform the rites. Miss Cleo wouldn't mention any voodoo specifically, but said, "For 99 cents a minute, you too can get some voodoo baby!" Phone records obtained by the Cobb Times Herald show that a call was placed from Miss Cleo's office to Corn Cleats HQ at 7:55pm, precisely two minutes after Jim Green reported first feeling the odd pain in his shoulder.

Receipts from the Sioux Falls finance office obtained by the Cobb Times Herald show the purchase of several known poisonous toxins such as aconite, deadly nightshade, arsenic, and bloodroot. Corn Cleat PR director Cleatus Cornly denied that the purchases had anything to do with a voodoo hex. "Those purchases were made to attempt to change the colors of the corn decorating the entrance to the Corn Palace at Razavi Field. We have been having real trouble breeding green corn, and thought that the addition of these materials would help us in our quest. There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the Corn Cleats organization would stoop to arcane means to injure a star player from our archrivals in an attempt to knock them out of first place for the first time in seven seasons. Although I must say it is rather fortuitous."

For now though the Fug Nuts are going to have to weather Green's injury and curious loss of health, durability, and power by playing a rotation of Apollo Houston and Luis Escuela at 2B. Escuela took note of the strange injury and has taken precautions. "I have hired a witch to cast protective rites on my locker, my glove, my bat, and my house. I will also employ my own voodoo specialist to prevent the same type of injury that happened to Jim," said Escuela. There is no word yet as to whether this is covered under the unions health care contract.

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