Sunday, June 12, 2011

Ex-Commish Admits to Fathering Love Child with Ploppie’s Sister

In one of the most shocking and prurient revelations in Cobb history, Times Herald reporters have confirmed that for the past nine seasons, FW_Kekionga and ploppie’s sister have been engaged in a passionate, lustful and at times . . . tender relationship culminating in the birth of a son, who was rumored to be playing baseball in the Dominican Republic.

When asked if this discovery triggered his abrupt departure, FW chokingly admitted that was the case. “It all started shortly after clinching the division championship in S11. For years, it had been nothing but frustration, but to finally reach the top like that . . . well, let’s just say something finally burst from inside and ploppie’s sister was there for me. Then there was Tanker-Gate, when I just needed someone to talk to after a hard day on the chat boards. I tell ya, those were dark days indeed, and I couldn’t have gotten through them without her.”

FW seemed as adept at leading a double life as he was crafting draft reviews for this publication . . . until he learned the fateful news. “When she first told me, I was in a state of shock. I just couldn’t believe this house of cards I had been building was all about to come crashing down. Then she told me he was a switch-hitter and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I’m not afraid to admit it, I just sat there at my desk and wept tears of joy.”

FW tried to maintain the façade for another season or two, but when he started doing the math and calculated the costs of sending a child to Rice or UNC for four years he realized he would have to give up his $5 per year commissioner job and seek more lucrative work. He had just returned from an interview for a scouting position at Baseball America when he was approached by a Times Herald reporter. “Hey FW, did you hear the one about ploppie’s sister having a kid? There she was, in a bar with a minister, a rabbi and a priest when . . . “ and then FW blurted out “I KNOW, it’s me, it’s me, I admit it, I’m the father, now will you parasites STOP HOUNDING ME?!?!” And once again, the relentless staff at the Times Herald landed the scoop.

When asked to comment, ms. Ploppie simply said . . .”FW who? Oh, you mean the one who sends those checks every month? Oh yeah, he’s a real sweet boy. His first wife, of course, is that stupid baseball game, but at least I don’t have to worry about anyone knocking on my door. Now that new guy in town, jvford? He looks like a hunk, I’m gonna have to break out my Mary Kay a bottle of tequila and go tap that!”

And like a Greek tragedy, the characters go about trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives? Will FW ever be able to re-claim his authority from the tyrant who has seized his desk? Will FW Jr. be drafted by mrploppie only to be neglected when it comes time for a contract offer? Will jvford be properly initiated into World Cobb? These and other questions will soon be answered by your diligent and creative Time Herald reporters.

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