The Arizona Phoenix held a press conference yesterday to introduce their major free agent signing, 26 year old all star pitcher Skeeter Robertson. The talented hurler inked a 107 million dollar contract, scoring the largest deal in Cobb World since the days of Phillip Brown in his prime. The news of this major signing took the league by storm, causing even the massive number of retired fans in Phoenix to spit out their dentures in shock.
The conference started with team GM cosmicblob issuing the statement, "With the probable retirement of Orber Olivo, and moving i
nto a new stadium, we needed a new face of the franchise. This is what becomes possible with a state of the art stadium and all of those luxury boxes. Most of my fans in the Phoenix area are retired, and so aren't worried about losing their jobs." Indeed, the new stadium in Phoenix does have many luxury boxes, most of them equipped with MCL Cafeteria buffets, which is a huge draw to the local population. Arizona Phoenix Head Chef Chico Cortez commented, "We are very exicted about the food offerings in our new stadium. In addition to the traditional beer and hot dog vendors, we will also have pudding, jello, and peas on mashed potato vendors as well." With this innovative new food marketing strategy, Arizona was able to afford the services of Skeeter Robertson.
Just before Robertson entered the room to answer questions, the lights went dim and strobes started circling the room. Crunk music then started blasting through the speakers and Robertson entered the room in an oversized Phoenix jersey, low pants, Air Force Ones, 12 gold chains, and a Phoenix cap tipped to the side. His smile as he took a seat revealed a massive grill. "I is pleazed to announce that the era of Bling Bling Skeet has beginned in Phoenix y'all! I'z gonna strikes out me foes, and bring some bling to the streetz of Arizona! And to help me wit dis, I has gots me a new agent, my homie Lil' John!"
At that point the notorious rapper entered the room in his usual crunk attire, and took the mic. "YEAH! How you all doin' out there Phoenix?!" he yelled into the mic, continuing, "I had such a great time workin' the streets with my main man Orber Olivo, that I wanted to continue with the new face of the franchise, Skeeter Robertson. Or should I say, 'Bling Bling Skeet!' From the window, to the wall, to all skeet skeet skeet skeet!" He continued his statement, saying, "If there is one thing both me and Skeet know, it's bling and bitches, and with this massive 107 large contract, Bling Bling and I will be up in this bitch! What?"Robertson then continued, "I had to check meself before I wrecked meself when I saw the contract offered by Arizona, buts the blob knows talent when he seez it, and I knowz that me is gonna rock dis' town, from the MCL to the streetz! Boo-yah-ka-sha!"
Reaction to the signing was mixed. In Phoenix, the fans were thrilled. "I'm just happy we have a team again, and one with some talent. I'm also really excited about the pudding vendors!" exclaimed fan Clarence Morrow. "I really like the fact that the stadium is air conditioned, but I don't know about the way those young whippersnappers dress nowadays," said fan Elthel Mayberry.
Meanwhile, fans in Helena weren't so thrilled. "We gave that team 10 good years, and this is how they repay u
s, by moving to Arizona and signing a wankster?" exclaimed visibly irritated fan Jack Straw. "I think it's just plumb ridiculous how the team owner cosmicblob would consider a new city for this team. He's a backstabber in the vein of the Irsays or Art Modell, and I hope he rots!" voiced former Hellraiser superfan Mike Lawson. The Mayor of Helena was also stunned by the events of the offseason, "I just don't know what to say, they just packed up in the middle of the night, and traded in their cowboy boots for gangster sneaks and dentures. We gave everything we had to that team, and now we're just left with nothing but dust and bones."Still, the future looks bright for a franchise that is seeking a new identity as it attempts to dethrone the Anaheim Sharks in the AL West. One thing is for certain, it will be interesting to see how Robertson and Lil' John, the new faces of the Arizona franchise, mesh with a fanbase that is more familiar with Lawrence Welk.
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