Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dr. Phil on What's Wrong with the Columbus HoundDogs

The question that is burning on everyone's mind right now is, "What's wrong with my team?"  No other owner has been as vocal about his squads ineptitude as Columbus HoundDog owner rbf_4.  So to help him out, noted television personality Dr. Phil McGraw scheduled a show specifically on what is wrong with the HoundDogs, and how to fix it.  Following are selected bits from the show transcript.

Dr. Phil: "Hello everybody and welcome to a very special show.  Today we have as our guest, rbf_4, a World Series winning owner in the legendary Cobb World of HBD, who has seen his team go from studs to duds in just one season.  What could have possibly gone wrong with this team, which was so good the last few seasons that it could butter anybodies bucket?  During this show, we'll find out just what is wrong in Columbus and how he can fix it make his team a better and more harmonious squad."

rbf_4: "Dr. Phil, what is puzzling to me is that my offense is so offensive.  Nobody on my team can hit other than the MVP Chipper Jones.  What's going on there?"
Dr. Phil: "Now I'm not going to throw you under the bus rbf, but the reason your lineup stinks like a garbage truck driving out of a skunks mouth is a multifaceted problem.  But the simple answer is talent in the right positions.  Over time you have managed your team into a corner.  Here's a good example, Chul Jung starting in LF.  He's got great speed, but can you justify starting a bat with less pop then a flat Pepsi in a power position on the field?  LF is where you put you player with a glove like lead and bat like a hot tamale!  Even worse, you're putting him at the top of the lineup, and I can tell you for certain that a .635 OPS and .315 OBP at the top of the order is a recipe for disaster, and I ask, how's that working for you?

Chul Jung
Age: 27B/T: R/R
Born: Kobe, JP
Position(s): LF/1B/RF/DH
View Hardball Dynasty Profile

rbf_4: "Wow Dr. Phil, I had never considered that, you're so right!"
Dr. Phil: "There there rbf_4, I'm here to help you and all your Columbus family.

Dr. Phil: "Another thing I noticed with the Columbus lineup is that Goose Benes is ugly enough to make a freight train take dirt road, his numbers are horrific!  That .622 OPS and .326 slugging % provides about as much protection in the order for Jose Ordaz as the Maginot Line did for France!  Hitting him sixth is about as good an option as putting a ballerina in a competitive hot dog eating contest.

Goose Benes
Age: 30B/T: S/R
Born: Stouffville, ON
Position(s): CF/2B/RF/DH
View Hardball Dynasty Profile

rbf_4: "But Dr. Phil, how do I fix it, the bottom of my order isn't much better, and I only have three bonafide hitting options in my entire lineup?"
Dr. Phil: "Well rbf_4, I would suggest trades, possibly moving your starting pitching.  You certainly can't move prospects, as your minor league system has been neglected worse then some of the wives and children I have had on my show recently.  Trading Jimmie Julio might not be the best idea either, as he is the glue that keeps your pitching intact while also providing an incredible bat at a very reasonable price.  Not to mention that at 31 years old he's about ready to leave his prime and start the early decline that always seems to hit the Catcher position first.  I think you are up a creek without a paddle on this one, trades don't seem to be such a good option for you, and if someone out there doesn’t agree with me, then somewhere a village is missing their idiot.”
rbf_4: "I think that's rather harsh Dr. Phil, I mean how else can I get talent?"
Dr. Phil: “Don’t make me put your head in my blender, this ain't my first rodeo son!”

Dr. Phil: "So why won't that HoundDog hunt?  The answer isn't easy, but it basically revolves around only having three good hitters, playing slap hitters in power positions, and not having enough protection in your lineup, as well as being old at key positions and not having built up quality replacements in the minors after going the way of the NY Yankees and pursuing the almighty free agent dollar.  But if you want to know more about it, you can read my book, 'Lineup Rescue: Putting Your Baseball Team First and Your Heart Second,' out now in bookstores near you and on my website.  Thanks everybody, and good luck rbf_4 in rebuilding your lineup and your life."

No comments: