Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dean Hernandez Considering Name Change to "Benjamin"

Cortez Mack - Cobb Times Herald

In what is shaping up to be the most interesting offseason in Cobb history, principle player Dean Hernandez was weighing his options for the future. The three time Cy Young winning SP is a free agent at the end of the season, and is looking to cash in on a paycheck the likes of which haven't been seen since Phillip Brown and GM bigdaddysal. Even though Hernandez's Pawtucket G-Maniacs are the #2 seed in the AL playoffs and are looking at a tough matchup with Mexico City in the 2nd round, all the questions at the teams press conference were directed at Hernandez and his offseason plans.

Dean Hernandez
Age: 29B/T: S/R
Born: Detroit, MI
Position(s): P (SP1)
View Hardball Dynasty Profile

"For the record, let me just state that I am here to pitch Pawtucket into the World Series, and that's that. But I won't hold it against you if questions are asked about where I will take my considerable talents next season," opened Hernandez. When asked about his refusal to sign with Pawtucket, Hernandez had this to say, "I have the utmost respect for my teammates and the management in Pawtucket, but I think it's time that I took a look to see what I am worth on the open market. From what my agent is telling me, I am worth more than several 3rd world countries combined, plus Haiti, and well, that's a lot." He continued, "I have a chance to set myself up for life, and the life of my kids, and my grandkids, and 13 more generations after that because of my awesome pitching skills the likes of which the American League will never see again, so why wouldn't I take advantage?" That statement drew the several irritated looks from the Mexico City pitching staff at the next table, including the mustachioed wonder Eric Collins, who no doubt have a differing opinion.

When asked to give a rundown on his future team of employment, Hernandez gave brief opinions of the known contenders for his services.

On Philadelphia: "What can I say about Philadelphia that hasn't already been said about the nation of Afghanistan? But if they can whip out the bread, I'll suffer the crappy fans and lack of run support that the management seems to favor in their teams. Hell with me they might actually make the playoffs!"

On Boston: "I've already proven I can dominate in New England and in every other AL East market. I would like to stay in the AL East so I can continue dominating all of the batters who have come to loathe my name the last five seasons. Boston is a regular World Series contender, which I was not in Pawtucket, and with them I might actually be able to be on a team that beats Cleveland and their insidious GM pieo."

On Cleveland: "Why not, if they give me the money? Of course if I were to sign with them I would need to also sign 120 million dollars worth of doctors because I would probably throw my arm off carrying the staff they way that team uses up its pitchers. Of course then I would make the World Series, which I haven't been able to do since I anchored a championship team in Columbus in season 5."

On Kansas City: "What, are you kidding me?"

On any National League team: "The National League intrigues me, it would be great to show how I can own the supposed NL elite such as Kaz Ong, Vance Weaver, Kirt Hooper, and the Syracuse staff on a daily basis. Bring it on, as long as you also bring the Benjamins!"

On Pawtucket: "Look, I think we all know the answer to this one. It's been a great run here, and I look forward to carrying this team as far as I can, but really, it's not like we are getting any younger here, and I need to go to where I can win a title, while being paid 12o million with a 10 million signing bonus."

When asked what he plans on doing with all of his money, Hernandez pulled out a gilt 3 ring binder stacked with plans. "See this binder? Each page is something I am going to do with my money. Page one has my new Bentley, page 2 my new mansion, page 3 my new fishing pole, page 4 my new 3rd world country, page 5 has Bentleys for my posse, etc... I'll make this available to the media after the press conference," said Hernandez.

At that point a visibly irritated Pawtucket GM geltzjg pulled the plug on his star pitchers microphone, and called an end to the press conference. "If you want to ask this media whore any more questions, you can do it after the season is over. In the meantime I'm going to throw his arm of just out of spite," intoned the angry GM.

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