Pawtucket Experiences Bat Brain Drain

Buster Gunns - Cobb Times Herald

Pawtucket has hit a draft pick bonanza in season 9, but not every fan of the G-Maniacs is happy about it. Pawtucket, which boasts 6 first round picks after half of it's starting lineup opted for free agency in the offseason, is facing a fan uproar for their refusal to sign the local favorites. The list of departing players from Pawtucket reads like a wish list of players many teams would love to have in thier dugout. O.T. Jarvis is a career .300 hitter with two all star appearances, Richard Davis is a 6 time all star and 4 time Gold Glove CF, Bo Stein hits for major power, and Tom Pettitte is a three time all star and two time silver slugger.

G-Maniac fan Alger Petitbone wasn't thrilled with the departures, "The G-Maniacs are a team that needs to reload, not rebuild. But alas that ship has sailed down the Seekonk River to the sea, and Pawtucket is doomed to rock upon rocky shores this season." Fellow fan Millard Tarkington was also pessimistic about the G-Maniacs chances this year, "It is as if we have shot the albatross by letting these all stars go, now I feel in my heart that Pawtucket will be a cursed franchise, and the rest of the league will be feasting upon our bones." Outside of the two G-Maniacs fans found at a local used bookstore, the rest of the city was also upset. Dockworker Frank Fellicetti was ired at the departure of his favorite player, Richard Davis, "This is ********! Davis was the best, he could school Jose Barrios or Dallas Kline any day of the week. Now this team aint worth a bag o' nuts!"

But the players and GM of the G-Maniacs had a different side of the story to tell. Jarvis, who signed with the Fargo Fug Nuts, said it was all about winning. "Even with our awesome team there was no way we were ever going to beat Anaheim, so I decided to move to a team that could," said Jarvis. Pettitte, a known literary critic and fan of high culture, was disappointed with what the city had to offer. "It is with great pleasure I leave this city, which couldn't even crack the top 400 cities rated by Money Magazine, for a renowned center of American culture such as Philadelphia. I look forward to being able to catch a good opera, and some fine cinema," announced Pettitte. Richard Davis said it was all about the cash. "I gotta feed my family, and Pawtucket wasn't about to do that," exclaimed Davis. As for Bo Stein, it was all about the culinary offerings of Louisville. "I love fried chicken, and you know that fried chicken is goin on in Louisville! KFC, the Colonel, it's all about the chicken. Heck, even the team is named the Tysons, after Tyson chicken no doubt!" voiced a very excited Stein.

Pawtucket PR representative Carlton Smithersby tried to explain his teams moves. "Looking at our budget situation moving foward we had to decide whether to keep the pitching staff or our offense, and the pitching won out. They say pitching and defense wins games, and so we decided that we don't need to score runs to make that happen. Besides, now we get to spend 20 million dollars on prospect signing bonuses!" stated Smithersby. "The only downside to getting rid of all of that offense is that Davis and Pettitte signed with the Floppin' Phils. My boss will throw a hissyfit if they finish ahead of us in the standings," he said.

Regardless of how the free agent departures work out in the long run for the G-Maniacs, it is certain that Pawtucket is no longer the team it once was, and the chances of them competing and losing in yet another AL championship are much reduced.