Tito McQueen - Cobb Times Herald
There was a flurry of events today in Sioux Falls surrounding their star catcher Vernon Jones. Jones, who recently was incinerated in a freak meteorite accident at the Duke University Hospital whilst having lunch with Wiki Vasquez of the Durham Pitbulls, was risen from the grave by Sioux Falls management. Jones' ashes were brought to the Corn Palace at Razavi Field from his parents home in Plainfield, NJ, for the ritual that turned the urn of ashes back into the slugger the fans knew and loved. Necromancer Belphagor Ebonmortis was commissioned by the Corn Cleats to perform the deed, and he said it was a resounding success. "Through the power of Urk Naghul, I have raised Jones from the dead, and now he shall slug again, Ashk Nagh Vaghul!" exclaimed the visibly excited sorcerer. The Corn Cleats sold tickets to the resurrection ritual, and made a "Vernon Jones - Back Again for the First Time" fan promotion day with Jones bobble head dolls and blackened barbecue chicken giveaways.
When asked why they would go to such measures to bring back Jones from the dead, Corn Cleats GM Cleatus Cornly explained, "We had trouble moving him for any value. Hell, even Toledo wouldn't take him after his ashes failed their standard physical. So really we had no choice, in order to trade the guy we needed him alive, not dead."
True to his word, Cornly traded Jones the same day to the Philadelphia Floppin' Phils, along with pitcher Benito Rodriguez, who also has a history of injuries. "Jones has been great for the city of Sioux Falls, and it was really hard to trade him, but in the end we felt that as an organization we needed to plan for the future, as this season has already bit the dust. So we made a deal that we thought was acceptable, and let me tell you it is a much better deal then we had to make with that filthy necromancer Belphagor." When asked to elaborate about the contract with Mr. Ebonmortis, Cornly declined to mention specifics, but said that there were far to many mentions of souls, eyes of newt, quicksilver, and signatures in blood for him to really feel comfortable with it.
The Floppin' Phils were excited by their new acquisition however. "We don't care if he's been dead once, it'll just prepare him for getting killed by the Philadelphia fans," said Phils PR director Curt McGee. He continued, "We are also excited to obtain an all star of his calibur, it instantly makes us more competetive. In fact, we might actually finish with a winning record this season, whoo hoo!" Jones was unavailable for comment, his agent said that he was feeling a little weak and looked a bit pale after the ritual and was still digesting all of the days events. The fans in Philly were also excited, but skeptical as well. "This is great, nice to get a winner in town. Too bad they'll trade him to Fargo in three weeks," explained cautious fan Sal Gasparatto. Time will tell if Jones can fully recover to his pre-meteorite disaster abilities, but the consensus is that it's a good deal for Philadelphia.