Thursday, September 4, 2008

Jim Green Waives Goodbye to Charlotte

Tito McQueen - Cobb Times Herald

Fans in Charlotte were stunned earlier this week by the sudden disappearance of talented infielder and career .300 hitter Jim Green. Green, who had been the regular 2B for the Dogs, wasn't in the lineup for Charlotte's Sept. 2 game vs. the Toronto Blue Jays, which led to much confusion around the league. Speculation was rampant that Green had been horribly injured, kidnapped, or worse, so the "Greenbacks" Green's superfan club pooled their resources to hire Dog the Bounty Hunter to track down their favorite player.

Jim Green
Age: 29B/T: R/R
Born: Las Cruces, NM
Position(s): 2B/1B/LF/DH
View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Duane "Dog" Chapman, known for his controversial reality TV show, was looking for business after his show was on hiatus for his use of a racial slur. "I really need the work, and you better believe I was going find the target because times have been rough for me and the team lately. Any money is good money, and besides, it looks like it takes a Dog to catch a Dog!" In addition to hiring out Chapman, the Greenbacks also initiated a campaign to put Jim Greens face on milk cartons across the state of North Carolina. "Green has a very memorable face, I thought that if we put it up on billboards and milk cartons we were sure to get a hit on it," said fan club president Jake Graves, who continued, "I would have put an Amber Alert out for him as well, but since he isn't a minor the authorities wouldn't let me do it."

All of these plans came to naught however after Cobb League authorities announced that instead of meeting some awful fate, Green had merely been claimed off of waivers by the Syracuse Beagles. A fierce debate then ensued as to whether the GM of the Dogs, former Manager of the Year The_Kid, had the right to put players on waivers or not. The consensus from an emergency league meeting was the The_Kid did have the right to actually run his team as he saw fit, but was in fact suffering from "issues" for not seeking to trade him to division arch-rival Atlanta first, or any other team second. Charlotte Dogs PR representative Nicole Leach issued a statement to the press in an impromptu conference, saying, "The Charlotte Dogs are entirely within their rights to waive an overpaid corner infielder who is only slightly more productive than a player half of his salary. We in the Charlotte organization are quite thrilled that Syracuse now has the burden of 18 million dollars in contractual obligations for a position where they are already overstocked with talent. We plan on using the money to pursue a different direction in player talent and a new gas grill for the clubhouse barbecue."

As for Green, when reached for comment, he said, "I can't believe that I was just waived and tossed away like I was some sort of used kleenex. I have value, can't they see that? Don't they know that this makes me feel worthless inside, like I have nothing to give, like I am some sort of piece of meat? I am distraught, and it's a good thing I have a solid makeup or otherwise I might be devastated completely by something like this."

When news of the waiver claim hit the Greenbacks fan club, there was confusion and outrage among the membership, as well as legal problems for the organization. The fans were shocked that the Dogs would release the multitalented Green, and were staging a letter campaign to discredit the Dogs organization, and a general boycott of Charlotte baseball. Also, Dog Chapman is now suing the Greenbacks for the money promised in his contract, which the Greenbacks claim that they do not need to pay because Green was found later in Syracuse by league authorities, and was actually never lost. Proceedings are expected to go through small claims court soon. Club President Graves is also facing a vote of no-confidence by the membership, and is expected to be sacked at next weeks fan club meeting.

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