Monday, December 22, 2008

Kip Zeile Green With Envy, Goes on Path of Rage

Tito McQueen - Cobb Times Herald

Kip Zeile
Age: 29B/T: S/R
Born: Poteau, OK
Position(s): 1B
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In another show of classic Kip Zeile personality, the surly Sabercats slugger vented in a major way when it was announced that he had finished second yet again in the AL MVP race. Zeile, who hit 63 HR's, batted .300, knocked in 156 RBI's, and posted a 1.060 OPS, was absolutely outraged when it was announced that he finished second in the voting to Anaheim 1B and former Sabercat Kory Arnold. Zeile said of Arnold, who posted 60 HR's, 164 RBI's, a .322 BA, and a 1.087 OPS, "I spent several spring trainings teaching him every thing he knows. The voters should be aware that Arnold would be nothing without me."

What followed that statement was a truly surreal scene in the Chicago clubhouse where the press conference was held. Zeile started a rant, venting, "What more do I have to do, really? Just because I don't play on a prima donna team of 'winners' doesn't mean that I shouldn't get consideration for MVP. Do you know how hard it is get 156 RBI's in Chicago? Do you? It's ****in impossible for anyone but me dammit! I owned the league, put them in their place, crushed the ball and all I get is 10 ****in votes!? Bull****! Bull****! I can't take this **** anymore, the media, the coaches, all the bastards who vote for this **** need to get a ****in clue, this is ****!" At that point in the rant, Zeile started panting heavily, and twitching his face into weird contortions, and flexing his herculean muscles uncontrollably, as the crowd watched on in horror. He yelled out in a primal voice, "I'm... so... ANGRY!!!" At which point he started turning green, ripped open his shirt with both hands to reveal massive pectorals and a six pack worthy of the gods, and cast his shredded jersey aside with a sneer. "Must... make... voters... PAY!!!" he screamed into the microphone, and then punched a giant hole in the wall, jumped through it into the hall, and ran away from a stunned crowd of team officials and reporters.

In the chaos that ensued the Sabercats PR representative Schmid Twitherbee took the podium and encouraged everyone to stay calm, and that with the help of Zeile's agent Guido Giacoletti and a team of military snipers armed with tranquilzers, they would soon have the situation under control. Giacoletti chided the crowd, "You should be ashamed of yourselves! Look what your ill thought voting has done to this man! Kip is a kind hearted soul who just wants to bring glory to the game of baseball and to the Sabercats organization, and you, the media and the owners, have turned him into some kind of monster! Shame on you!" When asked by a reporter if the green rage might be a byproduct of Zeile's rumored steriod usage, Giacoletti told him to "Shut the **** up!" and left the podium to look for his client.

As of the writing of this article, Zeile is still on the loose and there is no word yet as to if he is still overcome by the green rage. It is recommended that all owners who didn't vote for him for the ALMVP take extra precautions until his location has been confirmed and he is back under control.

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