Wednesday, December 10, 2008

AL = Purveyors of Cool

Tito McQueen - Cobb Times Herald

In an official unofficial study, the Bornstein Consulting Group LLC determined that the American League of Cobb World was cooler than the National League. The group used several methods to determine the coolness factors of the leagues, including monkey straw polls, celebrity facial likeness photo imaging, and others. "We feel that we have created a comprehensive system for showing who really is the coolest in Cobb World," said Bornstein CEO Hugo Klaus.

The first method was the monkey straw poll, where 32 Rhesus Macaques each pulled straws representing the American and National Leagues. To determine between the two leagues, the American League straws had plump mangos on the ends, while the National League straws had medallion pictures of Margaret Thatcher in lingerie. In an amazing showing of coolness, the American League was chosen by 100% of the monkeys.

The second method was using facial recognition software to determine which Cobb owners looked the coolest. The American League boasted many hip lookalikes, including owners snides45 being a 45% match with Hannah Montana, daubs23 a 67% match with Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers, furniss13 a 98% match with Hugh Jackman, this years People Magazine sexiest man of the year, and The__Kid being a 57% match with I Can't Believe it's not Butter spokesman and international hunk Fabio. Holding the AL back slightly was pieo, a 88% match with noted black metal troll, Mortiis. The National League was not so lucky with their facial matches, with mrploppie being a 86% match with Steve Buscemi, alogman1 a 78% match with Jim Cramer of Mad Money, and elderboy02 a 68% match with Rosie O'Donnell. Also holding the NL back in the game were the members of the NL West, who collectively were a 78% match with the members of Fallout Boy.

Other methods of coolness deduction included how low AL and NL owners SAT and college GPA's were, with the AL winning handily with a 1.8 GPA average compared to the NL's 3.7, indicating that the AL spent a ton of time drinking heavily at fraternity parties, thus being "too cool for school." Also used was the Miss Cleo method, where the noted psychic used her crystal ball to determine that the AL had called her more times for predictions, and were therefore cooler. Every other method used by the Bornstein group turned up the same results, that the AL was just cooler than the NL. But one interesting piece of information also came out of the study, being that the DH is an abomination and the AL is cool in spite of it.

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